Tribal Punk

Blog Re-launch!

2011-08-24T01:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new blog. As you can see, I converted this into a different kind of blog. Since my last post, I have created my main website/blog about art here. But then I decided to make one dedicated to my gyaru journey. I'm feeling far too lazy to explain what that is so you can easily type it in an image search and you'll see what it is. I was like, "Hey I'll use that blogger I never use anymore." I'm going to advertise the shit out of it on random gyaru related posts so maybe I *might* actually get more than two readers on this blog.

As a result, I'll delete some of the personal posts here... or at least make them private or something.

The layout isn't 100% done but it's good enough to start posting here again.

I LIVE!

2010-12-19T23:50:00.001-08:00

I've pretty much changed this one to the official Tribal Punk blog now... and I've totally been neglecting it. I've been working on an anonymous blog of a very personal nature. School's been finished and now I wait for my sister to come back from England and my boyfriend to come back from his overnight shift.

This blog is in disarray and it probably will be until I make progress on that official Tribal Punk page I've been talking about for years. Just saying Just saying...

Just letting everyone know I still live and stuff.

Eclipse Abridged

2010-10-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

Guess who finally watched Eclipse!!!!! You know what that means.....

Edward: Marry me!

Bella: I told you I'm not ready

Charlie: You need to wear a condom you whore

Bella: DAD IM A VIRGIN CAUSE MY DEAD BOYFRIEND WONT HAVE SEX WITH ME

Charlie: You need to hang out with Jacob

Bella: oh hell no.... ok nevermind I want to hang out with Jacob *gets into car*

Edward: Can't do that Bella! [with the same expression he has through 80% of the movie]

Bella: HOLY SHITE WHERED YOU COME FROM

Edward: I snuck into your car and broke it

Bella: You asshole!

Edward: MARRY ME

Bella: TURN ME INTO A VAMP

Victoria: HAI GUYS I build evil army

Edward: BELLA we're going to Florida!

Bella's mom: ohh it's so romantic how he intensely watches you like a stalker

Alice: HAI GUYS I host a graduation party

Jacob: I come with a bunch of dudes SHIRTLESS

[cue to screaming fangirls]

Jacob: I give you wolf bracelet!

Bella: Kay thanks I'm in love with two guys at the same time

Jacob: WE MUST KISS.... oh sorry about that

Bella: Its ok I forgive you for practically forcing yourself on me

Alice: Oh Bella Victoria's going to kill you

[vampires and werewolves join forced DUN dun DUNNNNN]

Jacob: I'm still mad

Jasper: Hi me and Rosalie are going to tell you our very interesting back-stories to make the viewers almost wish the movie was about us instead of Glitter Tits and Dances With Wolves over there.

Bella: Ohhh ok. Hey Edward lets have sex!

Edward: No I don't believe in being a whore before marriage like you do

Bella: Fine I guess I'll marry you

[pans to Bella, Jacob, and Edward in a tent]

Jacob: guess whose shirtless again! I'm going to cuddle with your girlfriend now

Edward: Ohhh I would like you if you weren't after my girlfriend who is secretly my fiance.

Jacob: Ohh I would like you if... oh never mind I wont like you anyways

Edward: Hi future Mrs. Cullen

Bella: Oh hey future husband

Jacob: I AM SO BUTTHURT RIGHT NOW

Bella: Oh I love you Jacob SO SUDDENLY

[make out between the two]

Jacob: I'm leaving now to the movie's only fight scene

Edward: I saw what you did thar... but I'm not mad

ZOMG FIGHT SCENE

MEANWHILE BELLA AND EDWARD

Victoria: Hi I'm going to leave my pawn over here

Edward: yeah... go run it's not like your boyfriend's DEAD or anything

Victoria: I R PISSED

FIGHT SCENE COMMENCED

Victoria: Oh no I am dead.

Everyone: OMG ITS DAKOTA FANNING!

STUFF HAPPENS

Jacob: OH IM INJURED

Bella: Oh I love you but not enough

Jacob: But I'm like 16 and not 109.

Bella: I know, I'm leaving now and marrying Edward anyways

ZOMG HAPPY ENDING IN A FIELD

THE END

xD

Random Babling.

2010-10-03T01:24:00.000-07:00

"Unspoken words are on my mind.
Searching my head for those answers I can't find."

I did a lot of thinking in the shower. Yes I said it. In the shower.

That awkwardness aside, I came to a realization. And it's not a pretty one.

Most of the ugly feelings I get are from the fact that most people have experienced way more than I ever have/will.

Sure I've emotionally been through a lot of stuff, but that's shit most everyone goes through. Everyone had to survive drama and breakups and the like. But there's been people that I've gotten to know that has been through so much and felt things that I probably didn't get to even experience until about my current age. There are people that are just as mature as I am and they're like 15 (ok I may be exaggerating but hopefully you get my point). At times I'd think of this and I'll still feel like a child. I'm afraid I won't be able to connect to people because of a different life situation.

It just feels like everyone has "lived" more than I have.

Logically, I know that I've been though stuff that other haven't been though with my whole disability thingie. Also I've been through a lot, just a lot earlier than most people. I keep telling myself that I have lived in my own way. But unfortunately my heart and my mind disagree.

I've been thinking.. I was entirely a different entity a few years ago. Sure most of me has been the same... my interests, my thoughts of the future, and so on. But I was more weird and outgoing. I randomly yelled random crap on campus for the hell of it. I made weird dance moves with random people I knew to get a reaction. Everyone knew me as that weird girl and I liked the attention.

I came to realize that I'm not that way anymore. Sure I randomly say weird crap and make perverted jokes still, but it wasn't as extreme as I used to be. Yesenia, who's in figure drawing with me this semester, keeps saying "ohh remember when you..." and random crap like that. I came to realize, wow... I was something else then.

I guess people can call this "growing-up" or acting "more mature." And maybe I am. Maybe I'm finally assimilating to how society wants me to be. But really, this has been gradually happening for years now. I've been trying to trace where it all began. In some way I'd guess it all happened my junior yeah in high school. Sure I was still weird and Leslie and I were the weird duo that freaked people out because we made absolutely no sense together; but something changed that year.

Prior to that, I was close to a large group of people. I talked to the large group in my art class like Jessica and Ben. Or I was friends with the majority of the waterpolo team at the time. Or I was practically friends with the entire colorgaurd and a large majority of the band. Most of all, I was tight with Anna, Leslie, Kaeli, and the crew. Everyone was close to each other. But a lot of things changed that year. People began to dislike each other. The pressure of biting off more than I could chew academic wise was taking a toll. I was going through another depression because of my weird Ben obsession. I stopped talking to as many people. I kinda kept to myself more and kinda drew myself out of a lot of equations and most people didn't seem to notice. Leslie had never left my side at the time and therefore she became the person that I spilt my heart to on a regular basis. But she was slowly getting along with less and less people. She stopped liking Zach and therefore didn't want to be with anyone else around him. She stopped liking Valerie. Stopped liking Yesenia. And eventually she stopped liking Kaeli. I was blinded by friendship in this case and I was being drawn away from a lot of people without even realizing it.

I stumbled upon this sad reality the moment I was loosing Leslie as a close friend. I looked around and realized that there was no one that close to me anymore (excluding Kevin of course), not even Anna to a certain extent.

Long story short: I began to keep more to myself over time. I began to accept the quiet life I had without a fight. The pinnacle of this destructive trend happened towards the end of 2009. I realized... that my life has ultimately been uneventful compared to a lot of people. And in a lot of ways it still is. I made my new years resolution to break out of my shell once again. I still haven't completely done so but I have made progress. I have another three months to continue this progress.

"Blind man inside my head tell me again.
Not everything begins, but everything must end."

But life seems to slowly get better. Everything's far from perfect, but I feel like I'm mostly recovered emotionally from what has been happening most of summer. Artistically, things have been going great for me. I haven't done too much on my own but I have been feeling more inspired. Most of all, one of my professors, an older guy, has told me out of thousands of students, I would be within the 5% of the best he'd ever had; pulled me aside to tell me that it was extremely rare to draw the way I did at such a young age and that I should really consider being a professor... it really raised my spirits and made me feel really good about myself. But I'm not sure if I'll end up going that far... cause being a professor means I'll have to go for an MFA, spending more time at college, and that would take even longer and put even more strain on Kevin and I. I just figure I'll get my BFA first, see where I am and if I feel the need to go on, I'll return to school.

Just things that go on in my life.

"Close the door to feel emotional winds.
Blind man inside my head tell me again, about those unspoken words."

Post Secret 3

2010-08-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

Sure feel like that to me

Beautiful

Can't always be cheery

Now I'm not sure the significance of these, but I certainly feel something

Cleo.

2010-08-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

I originally drew this back near the end of 2009. While I was up at my family vacation at Pinecrest I started to work on the digital coloring. And..... I finished today! Hurrah! This might be turning back into an art blog again instead of me bitching all the time.

Well anyway, here it is. It's the main character in the Wet Moon series.

**Credits- Ross Campbell created the Wet Moon series. Textures are from Mayang's Free Textures.

Meanwhile...

2010-08-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

Lets see.... News... I've been working on stuff and got a lot of art done... But I still need to scan/take pictures of the things... So still no updates at the moment. Just got on to say that.

And here are other random "modeling pics." I didn't have to go to high school right away that day because it was testing week and seniors didn't have to take the tests. Right before one of the days Kevin took pictures of me and these were the results.

Wall Animation.

2010-07-28T01:08:00.001-07:00

This amazes me. I can't even begin to fathom how long that took!

Raquel Reed Inspired Makeup 2.

2010-07-21T02:12:00.000-07:00

Well it seems like the annotations are actually working this time... If you don't work for you, then I guess just view the actual video here.

I recorded the video because I was bored during a nice, rainy Sunday a while back. Yet another look based off of Raquel Reed. And more to come.

I used Ferry Corsten's "Fire" because it had the same length as the video mainly.

But yeah enjoy.

Interesting Sidenote.

2010-07-16T00:49:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through Fail Blog for random laughs and came across this picture.

I knew by the way the fashion/makeup/hair was of the girl and by the colors and lighting of the photo that it was most likely a product of Hakan Photography.

And behold when I checked, I was right!

I'm easily amused. You'll see why I recognize his work so easily if you flip through the gallery.

Random Update.

2010-07-11T23:25:00.000-07:00

If you didn't already know, I join a bunch of random sites for the hell of it a lot of times. For one, I have a fan page for my art on facebook here and you can follow me on twitter here.

Now that I wrote that... I shall post other pictures that Kevin took of me back like in March 2009 or so xD

Post Secret 2

2010-07-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

Story of my life

This is trippy. For those who don't know that "important" date is the same day I turned 16 and had that awesome DDR party.

Raquel Reed Inspired Makeup 1.

2010-06-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, the annotations I put in that mark off all the steps are ommitted from the video. I guess you should look at the original link here to view things as they go. If you're lazy, then just go on ahead and follow these steps:

-Start with coverup and foundation.
-Apply blue cream shadow all over your lids and just above your creases
-Then blend the harsh lines with a iridescent blue shadow.
-Brush and blend iridescent white shadow on the inner corners of your eyes
-Add a highlight to your browbones
-Moisturize lips
-Apply liquid liner on your top lashes
-Apply pale pink lipgloss on your lips
-I ended up applying another layer of liner because I have a crappy cheap product. You don't have to do this
-Fill in your brows
-Apply pale pink blush on your cheekbones
-Add a slightly darker hue under the light pink
-Apply a thin layer of blue liner on your lower lashlines
-Complete the look with mascara
-YOUR DONE :D

I need to figure out how to make the annotations show when I embed the videos in blog entries. The other videos I've posted have been in this format as well :/

See what I do is I look at Raquel Reed photos and admire her style and makeup techniques. So what do I do? I make makeup tutorials based on them. And hardly no one views them on youtube apparently. Ehh whatever.

The song playing in the background is Gorillaz's Stylo. Annddddddd I got a hold of it before the actual release of the single because someone leaked it hehe. And I was all over that. At the same time, it was a Thursday I believe, and Kevin had work that morning so I couldn't chill with him like I usually did before I went to class. So I'm like "hmmmm what to do.... what to do..." (apparently I had no homework that day either). Then I thought it would be fun to record myself putting on makeup for that day and then I just ran off with the idea.

I initially sped it up to the whole video fit in within the timespan of Stylo so the world could hear it's awesomeness. But by the time anyone was watching the video, I'm sure Stylo had an official release and no one really cared.

Also I got a new laptop back last summer and I never bothered to use the new iMovie application I had until I made this video. It was way different than the version I had used on my previous laptop and it seemed way more confusing and complicated. Now after making a number of videos, I find the application is actually better than it was before. It's just confusing to new users is all.

This is the test run video that started it all.

The Rant That Will Make Me Unpopular.

2010-06-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I first heard of Lady Gaga when she appeared on American Idol in the 2009 season singing that poker face song. I thought it was kind of catchy but nothing extremely special (though the performance was super wacky). I looked her up and I was like "ohh a kinda artsy person. I could dig that...."

Her music soon invaded my world. I ended up hearing all of her music all the time. You guys could go, "Oh Emmy, quit listening to your hip radio stations." Buuuuuuut, it doesn't matter. She's everywhere, in stores, on TV, on the internet, and so on.

At first it didn't bother me... until I really started thinking about things. See, Lady Gaga appears to be artsy and original, but she only seems that way compared to all the other people who have hit it mainstream. If you dig for weird, esoteric music like me, you'll find that there are plenty of artists that could be just as weird, artsy, or original as Gaga. Besides, when it comes to shock value, Madonna has already been there and done that.

So that Alejandro video came out like... uhh last week I think. And everyone was praising it to high heavens, like it was the best thing to have ever come out. But honestly, it was probably her weakest video yet. Pretty much everything in that video has been done before, the dancing, the infinite amount of sexual gestures, the religious shock value... the list goes on. And what has been pissing me off is that everyone still proclaims that it's oh-so innovative and shit.

But then again, this is no offense to Gaga, she CAN sing and she DOES have talent. She attended some artsy school in New York for a while. In a way, what she has done is pretty smart. She has somehow made being weird and creative commercial. In a way it's becoming a trend- a lot of other popular artists are trying to be just as weird to get the same attention Gaga has been getting.

Ok I'm rambling a bit and now im going to summarize my random thoughts: Lady Gaga hasn't done anything incredibly innovative in my eyes. She did not invent being weird, she just managed to make it more commercial and popular. What she does is what others have done before, just with an avant gaurde twist.

And this is my opinion, if you suddenly hate me because I don't agree with you then you need to grow a pair and get out more.

Shameless Plug.

2010-06-10T01:08:00.000-07:00

So I've done modeling for a while, and when I say "modeling," I mean I sit around and Kevin tests his photography skills on me. And he uses film so there's a different quality to the pictures.

Our first photoshoot (which took place in the early part of 2009) went as follows [note all of these are pretty much like the original with the exception of slight editing, though some are heavily doctored up and I will signify which ones they are]:

^This one was doctored up by Kevin.

^This one was another one doctored up, the colors were brought out

^This one was significantly edited from the original

For other works, he took this amazing picture of me at a swim meet my senior year in high school. It was right before I was going to dive in.

For other examples of his work, you can check out his deviantArt page... though he doesn't really update that much. click here to view

Okay I'm done lol.

In other news, summer hasn't been that eventful... But I get to miss out on a roadtrip because life hates me...

Weird discovery.

2010-06-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

So I was randomly looking up Japanese street fashion, which I'll end up talking about in another blog entry, and I came across this image.

It's some Japanese girl. What's so special about her? Is it the bleached hair? The tanned skin? The light makeup? NO!!! It's that thing in her hair. I SWEAR TO GOD I HAVE THE SAME THING! Or something similar. I saw this image and I was like I have to say this somewhere! Here's my proof:

I'm sort of happy because Japanese street fashion does inspire me (as well as a billion other things too).

It's always odd when you see someone with the same shirt. But it's natural being that there were ten other shirts out of the one you choose at the store. But the weird thing was this was in Japan. Was there a Claire's in Japan? I wonder...

I'm weird haha

Plans.

2010-05-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going to merge my Tribal Punk blog with this one. I'm going to delete that other blog and change the name of this one pretty much. I think I just got carried away with creating blogs it seems. It can't be helped.

Now that I'm officially on break I need to jot down a ton of plans before summer school starts. For one I want to go to a beach. I need to redye the hair 'cause it's starting to look like shit. I need to clean my gross car. I need to go through my clothes and donate some to make room for more clothes. I need to go off and make more money. And I need to figure out how to work the new scanner still so I can start posting art again. I've been inactive for far too long. Also I need to finish that one artpiece for Kevin. It's been in the works forever >>...

I officially ended my semester on Thursday and I had to haul all my sculptures out to my car and stuff. I was stoked 'cause my tiny bronze statue was FINALLY finished. I had it all perched on my passenger seat and I took a sharp turn and it just leaped for joy onto the floor and it came of the marble base it was on. So, shit! I have to find good glue and try to reattach it again. BAHHHH

But now I realized that I never mentioned my hair in this blog. Pretty much I put magenta and purple chucks in my hair shortly after spring break and now it's starting to fade. I usually wouldn't mind but my roots are now starting to majorly show.

It feels really weird to not have school right now. I almost forgot what it felt like to not have a pressure of something due sometime.

Also I'm updating that one youtube account again.... with mainly makeup tutorials. I've had that thing for a while now, first I was posting videos of rants and then I thought they were dumb so I deleted them. And then I posted other random shit and then deleted them. Now I started doing makeup stuff. Who knows, I might think its dumb in the future and delete it all.

I'll specifically talk about the stories behind the videos in another blog. For now, I'm out!

Sculpture

2010-03-09T22:23:00.000-08:00

I want to make this into an art blog. Unfortunately, I figured out how to use a scanner, but I'm going to post what I'm working on in my sculpture class for the time being.

First,

And then

It's a wax figure.. with wings... so far :o

Post Secret. 1

2010-03-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

Fact: I did not learn how to ride a bike until after I was 18. I never realized until then that almost everyone learned at a much earlier age.

I have a fear of chandeliers falling on me or ceiling fans sometimes. I always avoid being underneath one. Sometimes I don't notice so it's not a huge fear persay.

[the image was deleted, but there was one that said "I wish I had been your first"]

Maggie has been applying for graduate school to some places overseas (BRITAIN). We keep saying that if she does get there and we go over there, we're going to say dated slang to make British people think we talk like that. It probably won't happen like the thing we planned that we would do at the airport.

Enter 2010

2010-01-01T04:06:00.000-08:00

"The tears that were held back yesterday would come forth today. "

She knew the quote, yet she couldn't quite remember where it was from. Something was so familiar about it, but yet time healed any pain connected to it. It was irrelevant to what she had been doing.

She spent roughly the last four years building this beautiful palace of her dreams. It started out slow, but after a year or two, things really started to kick off. Just recently, she was able to get near the top of this palace- the final floor where the princess will lie. However, before she could, a tragedy occurred.

This girl who was helping her with the construction of this building had rebelled against her. She changed her mind about supporting what this building will stand for. This girl didn't have anyone to help her with her riots, so the other kicked her off of her building committee. She will have nothing to do with the palace no longer.

Frustrated, the riot girl stomped away from the construction site, but before she left, she kicked away some of the foundation. Such a small imperfection was left undiscovered, unfortunately.

She continued her daily quest of reaching her goal; her palace. But the most terrible storms occurred. Earthquakes, typhoons, rain storms- all bent on destroying everything in it's path. The lack of support on the very bottom led a domino effect- the whole palace, all four years of work, went down the drain.

This girl woke up. Instead of laying in her palace, she was in a small, barren room. She was resting on a simple mattress and there was only a single window to her side. The air was so crisp and cold; she quickly wrapped her bare arms around her legs. She wore nothing but a hospital gown. How did things end up like this?

Noise. She glanced towards the window. There was something to be seen there, but when she tried walking, there was this powerful force dragging her to the ground. A ship was dragging an anchor along the bottom while heading towards its destination.

Outside, the world was spinning around, and around: beauty at it's best. Oh how she longed to be outside. Such familiar sounds repeated in a melody that she hummed along with. Familiar faces with no names approached the window and chatted with her. For a moment, the cold room around her seemed to fade away. These were people she loved.

But the walls in this room separated her from these people. This wretched wall, how could she move beyond it?

The faces all turned around and left for the day started to wear out. The room, once filled with warmth and joy, took a plunge into the cold air of night.

Everyday, the same thing happened. Many souls came close, but nobody could touch her. People, barely alive with the help of machines approached her from time to time to draw blood and collect tears. When they finished, she was strapped onto the bed. She would go through yet another sleepless night, listing to the machines breathing and the gears turning into a distance. When dawn broke, she was released to wander around this empty place.

One day, someone beautiful, an angel, appeared at her feet while being strapped to the bed. He was there for a short period of time only. But the next night, he appeared again, and then the following night. This trend continued.

He spoke softly. He once said:

"Don't be afraid
To be afraid
People are strange
And so unkind
But they are beautiful, sometimes"

Such words made her forget all of her problems. Her heart felt whole once again. His voice was the only one that was able to penetrate the walls and touch her soul.

One night, he did not appear. Her heart felt as if it's been punched. She writhed with her internal pain and called out "Where are you when I need you the most?"

An answer never came. It didn't come the next night, or the following night. She waited, and waited, and waited. But he didn't return.

But she came to realize that someone else was strapped to a bed next to her, one night. Could this person be the one who chased her beautiful angel away?

The person turned their head. It was yet another machine. It said:

"I am your reflection and mind
Proof that nothing heals in time.
After the first time you've cried
You only buried the pain inside
They were never deceased
They only laid low near your feet
Eight years ago, you lead a riot
This place, you tried to fight it
In the end, you could not escape
You are still trapped in this place
Many people have been able to get out
A method you have not found
Only you could find a way to leave
But to yourself, you only dream
You're now looking for a way to become
The person you've dreamt of
When you were fourteen..."

This reflection, this copy- she had eyes that stared into the soul. The soul was penetrated and she saw the truth. Everyone starts out here, in a room like this. They are forced to dream, but yet will someday escape into this world- some sooner than others. But this girl had tried to escape years ago, but the authorities did not permit her. Instead she was forced into a deep slumber, only awakened at the fall of her palace.

The machine had vanished, but the angel appeared once again. Yet, the same warmth was absent. He said gently:

"You don't have to stay in this place.
You could step outside anytime through the door to your right.
It can't be seen, but you'll have to believe me
After all
Believe in me
And return my call
There's a world outside these walls you need to see
Believe in me"

He gave his word that he will meet her outside. They would tackle the world together. He would not fill her heart with the same joy until she had escaped

Thus, she made her first attempt. When she was unstrapped from her bed the next morning, she made a beeline towards the door and opened it. Outside was a goregous land of plenty. However, her body was paralyzed. Her feet were glued to the ground. The door slammed in front of her and she collapsed on the floor. The machines took her away for her daily routine eventually.

Each day she made an attempt, but similar results always came about.

Whispers came about. Voices talked of a new year, a new era, and a new hope. Yet, this new moon held a sense of sadness for her. She couldn't see clearly outside due to the tears. The night was spent curled up on the bed, quivering, and little gasps for air.

Will she be able to leave like everyone else had? She looked to the moon and sighed: wiping away her tears. She vowed, "Someday, I'll go so far, far as I can. I just can't stay, one day I'll run away."

New Moon Abridged

2009-12-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I watched it online 'cause we're too cool to pay money to see it in theaters.

To avoid spending money, I will tell you everything that happened in the movie pretty much.

Bella: OMG I r afraid of aging. Puh-leeze turn me into vampire.

Edward: no, im "protecting" you

Bella: curses, foiled again

Other people: Happy birphdayyy!

Bella: wahhh nooo! I'm pretending I'm not getting older. I feel so old 'cause you know, 18 is such an old age. OH NOES PAPER CUT!

[Blood epically spurts everywhere, because paper cuts produce SO much blood]

[One of the Cullens (I can't remember his name) attacks Bella]

Edward: *epically pushes Bella away and shoves the other vampire into piano with crappy special effects*

Edward: Cant be with me, it's too dangerous

Bella: What happened at the party was nothing

Edward: Nothing compared to WUT COULD BEEEE

Bella: But I luffs yuuu!

Edward: Your not good for me *disappears*

Bella: Oh noes! I have no reason to live! I'm going to spend a good third of the movie walling in my own misery! *stares out the window for three months*

Jacob: I c wut he did thar. I will never leave you like that.

Bella: Oh fix my bikes! I'm suddenly in love with you instead of Edward now. I am so fickle!

[bikes are fixed and Jacob has no shirt]

[cue to squealing fangirls]

Jacob: I has to leaves now. I have something I can't tell you so I'm running away with those guys I dissed earlier in the movie

Bella: But you just said-

[Jacob disappears]

Bella: OH NOES I AM SAD FOREVER!

Jacob: Hi again!

Bella: Oh I suddenly forgive you for leaving me even though you told me you would never leave me. I loves you.

Jacob: I have a secret. I am werewolf. We kill vampires, but we have a pact with the Cullens so we don't kill them.

Alice: Oh noes! Edward thinks your dead for NO REASON. You have to save him!

Bella: Ok I suddenly care for him and not want him to die even though HE LEFT ME at the mercy of the evil vampires that wanted to kill me.

Jacob: Why are you doing this. HE LEFT YOUUUU!

Bella: Quit being a whiny bitch, don't you know girls love guys who are jerks to them?

[pan to Italy]

Edward: *takes of shirt*

[cue to squealing fangirls]

Bella: *slow mo* NOOOOOES

[the two dramatically make out]

Bella: I totally forgive you for being a douchebag and leaving me at the mercy of those vampires that actually suck the blood of humans. You know, like what real vampires are supposed to do

Boss vampires: We are the bosses. We must come to fight!

[vampire fight commences with crappy special effects]

Boss vampires: She knows to much, but we'll let you go anyways.

Bella: this would've never happened if you made me a vampire. Now make me a vampire!

Edward: But noooooo!

Bella: waaaaah I wanna be a vampire!

Jacob: You can't make her into a vampire. The pact would be ruined!

Edward: Thanks for protecting Bella while I was being a asshole and left her

Jacob: We must come to fight

Bella: NOOOES DON'T FIGHT

Jacob: wahhh you can't be one of them! *leaves*

Edward: By the way, will you marry me?

THE END

No seriously, that's how the movie ended.
No joke.

Want better summaries?
here
and here

Buh byye!

Tower of Kleenex

2009-11-24T00:08:00.001-08:00

I've been neglecting this blog it seems. But to be honest, by life is pretty boring. Its the same crap over and over again.

I shouldn't be stressed but it always seems like I am. I'm getting really angry and really sad about the littlest things. Like tonight I went all emotional apeshit 'cause I ended up arguing with Kevin again. I was actually scared 'cause I realized that he's pretty much the only person I've been hanging out with at all for the past few months. If he left, I wouldn't really have anyone and then I'll probably have a repeat of the breakdown I had my Junior year. But I've been catching myself snapping at people too. I don't like making people around me unhappy but it seems that's all I've been doing lately.

I still haven't made any friends in college. Go me. Well there's some people that I talk to in the classes now. I guess I'm making progress.

It's official I'm out of my artist block. But now I don't have time to do anything outside of school. Grr!

Bored Life: Unsafe

2009-10-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

When I began Merced College in August, I thought I would have a repeat of what happened my freshman year in high school: I would meet tons of people and make new friends. But as I can clearly see, it's October and I have yet to make one friend. No one interacts there as people did in high school. Oh well.

I seem to have these standards of how everyone should be and I constantly get disappointed when people I know about don't reach them. I think that might be part of the reason why I can't make as many friends as I used to: the older I get, the less accepting I seem to be. Everyone smokes, everyone hates beliefs like mine, everyone's promiscuous and bitch bitch bitch... I wish I was like what I was when I was younger in some ways because I wouldn't get a shit about little things like this.

"I Like Listening to Bands You've Never Heard Of"

2009-07-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

Click here for "PG" action.

And that is what currently exists of a future project between me and a certain someone else. Stay tuned you guys!

I'm feeling apathetic and I don't feel like posting more of my useless biography crap anymore. I'll get around to doing that next time I feel like talking about myself.

I haven't talked much about my life on here anyways since not much has happened and stuff that has happened have been mainly a whole lot of private stuff that I don't wish to share over the net.

However, I will say that I successfully graduated, I'm taking the online class Guidance 30 [which I will finish this week], will be going to Pinecrest this Saturday, is sad to see some of her friends move, and spending other parts of the summer chilling with Kevin.

Oh and I went to a US Autism and Asperger Association conference in Los Angelos a couple weeks ago. My specialist showcased me and two other people pretty much to show that people can "recover" even after being diagnosed with Autism and lots of people went up to me to ask questions. I couldn't answer most of them because they all related to medical shit that I don't know about. It was exciting at first but I got bored with the medication jibber jabber.

We had a hotel room by an airport. I had a lousy nights sleep that night

Yeah my life is pretty dang exciting.

Not Another Life Story (part 4)

2009-06-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

Part Four - Set the Ferris Wheel Ablaze

Eighth grade was not much different. Same amounts of drama and same amounts of teasing. Some guys started making up rumors about me. I always remembered a few of them was that I was lifting up my skirt at Brianna's birthday party and totally got freaky with some guy named George at another party. I was all "WTF I don't know a George." But they didn't listen.

I'd have somewhat of a false sense of security. Whenever it seemed that someone was making fun of me, or didn't like me, I brushed it off as just something unimportant. I denied anything that could lead to the conclusion that all these "friends" actually thought poorly of me. Even some of the guys would mimic me and the like and I just told myself that they weren't making fun of me when they probably were. More people seemed to complain to me about random stuff and ask me for help. I also used that as a sign that the people actually thought I was cool enough to be included.

But in the end, I at least realized that none of the boys ever were interested in knowing me. And after a while, I no longer cared.

I still had the pressure around me to loose weight. From the atmosphere I dealt with everyday, I couldn't help but to look in the mirror and notice how fat I thought I was. I watched my weight very closely and freaked whenever I saw I gained a pound. I'd try cutting out snacks but that only made me hungrier later in the day.

"Every hour,
On the hour,
They drew blood"

The best friend got her first boyfriend that year. It was a bit of a blow to my ego, or lack thereof, since I figured that I she was so much prettier than me anyways it was easy for her to get one and I'm too ugly for guys to even take a romantic interest.

Thought this was the case, the girls still has issues with her as they did with me. This one spoiled girl said that she had a crush on the best friends's boyfriend. Since she lived nearby, she constantly came over and practically stalked him, and told him things like how much of a bitch the best friend was and all other sorts of trash. She was getting pretty hurt by all this and they were bickering about the whole thing. I called up the spoiled girl. I can't remember what I said but I know I was pretty angry. But I do remember she was telling me how I shouldn't stick up for her because she's not my real friend since she doesn't treat me right and supposedly ditched me all the time. I got even more upset and told her that she didn't know shit. Then I always remember she said,"You know what? Later," and hung up.

About a couple of months later, they broke up anyways. I never got the full story of why it happened.

And that year, I did percussion in the band instead of saxophone. The one other bestie gave me a bad time but it was something I was more interested in anyways. However, I didn't like how I had to deal with the immature boys in there. They had this view that I wasn't that great of a drummer because I was a girl. They purposely took all the good parts and the teacher let them. After all that, I began to wonder if all guys were assholes.

Though I tried to be like the other girls at school, I was more interested in what was considered nerdy. I always sorta hid it from most people that I watched anime, played video games, plan out stories that I wanted to make a comic of, and participated on a lot of stuff online beyond social networking sites (and this was before Myspace was popular so it was stuff like Xanga and Livejournal).

I remember I tried out this one site called Gaiaonline. I remember I talked to a whole bunch of people but no one really went on after a while, including this one guy who claimed to be my online boyfriend, though I never understood why. I liked the attention of whenever people actually wanted to have a conversation with me online, for it was something I got from very few people in real life.

Because my reality wasn't something worth living, or so I thought.

Because reality involved me witnessing practically the whole class talk smack about my best friend- on how she was a bitch, how she was fat, how no one likes her- and then seeing her shot down when she found out.

Reality involved the volleyball team thinking I was a useless and lousy player.

Reality involved passing notes with the other best friend and discovering that some of the girls and guys thought I was too fat to be in a bikini and some of my other clothes.

"Well I felt I couldn't take
Another day inside this place"

As graduation neared, I began to realize that I won't see most of those people again and that there was a whole new group of people out of the handful of people at Sacred Heart. I began thinking and a new feeling arose that I haven't felt in a long time. Could this be hope and excitement for a better future?

From that moment forward, I saw more than the petty drama that has been taking control of my life. As more shit kept creeping by as the days passed, I blew it off more easily than before. I was going to get out of this hell hole soon.

"Well I thought I heard you say I like you
We can get out
We don't have to stay
Stay inside this place"

When I did graduate, I did not cry, I did not get any nostalgic feelings, I did not feel much- except for the fact that I probably won't see about three-fifths of the class ever again- and I did not care. I was happy for once.

"We'll go, so far,
Far as we can
And I just can't stay
One day we'll run away"

Postsecret. 0

2009-04-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

exactly how I feel.

And that is exactly why I have old pictures. I like thinking about how different my life is now because I don't have the same friends I used to have.

Sometimes I think of stuff for my stories in chuch too, though they're not really erotica. Heh.

I feel the same once in a while.

Not Another Life Story (part 3)

2009-04-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Part Three - A Innocent Girl in a Messed Up World

From fifth grade, I wanted friends. I always felt so alone because I had so many become my friend and then up and leave. The best started becoming more interested in hanging out with popular people so I thought that maybe by becoming popular that I'd be happy.

So sixth grade came around and I made all the fake friends. I was content at the time because I thought that I actually had friends and the shits.

I started wanting to be cool. I looked at the clothes I wore and realized how unstylish I was. I went on many shopping trips to obtain the preppy and stylish clothes that I found. I wanted to fit in so badly. I started listening to popular music and listening to the radio like the stuff on K-WIN and KHOP.

At one point, there was something brought up that I never payed that much attention to before: boys. Previously, I sorta had a little kid crush on Mat back in kindergarten. And I thought there was a guy who was cute in a movie before. But other than that, I wasn't that interested needless to say.

But all the girls I hung out spent a lot of time talking about all the stuff they do with their money, all the stuff they watch on TV or listen to, all the useless drama in their lives, and the boys they thought were cute. I looked at the guys at Sacred Heart and none of them stuck my fancy.

As I stepped further into this world, I found myself thinking I was not like the other girls. I was not as skinny. I had curves and they didn't, but because I did, I was fat. I looked into the mirror, thinking it would be dreadful to be me. I saw the frizzy hair, the body mass, the swarm of pimples on my face, the braces, and the thick eyebrows.

To be cool was to be like a child - ironing board figure and smooth skin. I did not. To be cool was to be athletic and good at sports. I was not. To be cool was to have guys swarming around you all the time. That also did not happen.

I attempted. My mum kept telling my sister and me that we were getting fat, and that also did not help. I up and signed up for volleyball at Sacred Heart, the only other sport available besides basketball. I was not good at it, but it made me cool.

Everyday became a test of survival. I spent the days while trying to pass classes dodging glances, having to know the latest gossip or I'll be behind, protecting my back against back stabbers as well as the best friends's, holding up against the constant teasing of the boys, and painting on a mask that told the world that I was actually enjoying my life and I actually didn't give a shit about all these girls that I hung out with.

Before I lost my mind, I talked to this one girl.

We had to sit together for a class and we started talking about online role playing boards. Something sparked and one thing lead to another. We spent a lot of time together and became the bestest friends. After all these years we're still good friends.

I found myself getting dragged further and further into this different and fake world by the best friend. It's not like she enjoyed it either. I look back and realize how it affected both of us and I wonder why I didn't realize it then. Drama began to look like Stargate- just random shit appears out of nowhere.

At one point she broke down and sat in the corner of the playground, saying that everyone hates her. I did the whole "well I don't hate you," routine.

All the other chickies were on the other side of the playground. They called for me to come over and then they kept randomly talking trash about her out of nowhere, saying that she was feeling sorry for herself again and she was trying to get attention and she's just a popular wannabe. I left. I told her what happened afterwards. Stuff like this repeated and the so called popular girls got mad at me for actually telling her the truth and if they ever talked shit behind her.

Suicide came up several times since then. The best friend said that she was going to do it one day and I told her not to. She didn't show up the next day and I was afraid that she did, but she came the next day saying she'd tried or something. For some reason, I was being dragged down, saying that I'd do it too. When I showed up the next day alive, the best friend asked about what happened, and I said I was going to jump off the roof of my house but Maggie stopped me. It was utter bullshit and I think she knew. I went home that day, filled the sink full of water, and dunked my head in. My head kept popping up on it's own and I stopped.

I told the best friend about it the next day. Anything suicide related faded away afterwards upon realizing that suicide is not the answer. Of course, that's an obvious given but who said we were smart.

Thus the rest of the seventh grade year dragged on in this fashion.

And in terms of depression. It continued. I went to summer camp and I totally freaked out over something stupid. My counselor pulled me aside and I randomly confessed EVERYTHING. I hardly remember what she said but it was something along the lines of needing to take things less personally and that if things get worse, I might want to take antidepressants to make the pain go away. There was a dance at the end of this camp. These girls I didn't know dragged me aside and criticized my dance moves. And then proceeded to show me "how to dance" which was the equivalent of a stripper's dance. I didn't know any better so I listened. I got attention alright when I tried dancing with those girls later on and there was this guy who kept following me the rest of the dance. I left the summer camp with a false sense of security.

Not Another Life Story (part 2)

2009-04-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

Part Two - The Last Days of Childhood

I made my first best friend... She was always mad at me for no reason at all until one day I had to sit next to her first day of Second grade. I don't remember at all how it happened but I was constantly living in her house the next few weeks. It was so happy to be so close to someone outside my home.

A year later, she got me into competitive swimming. She was part of a summer swim team called Hughson Sea Dogs and she got me interested. I've been swimming since.

But then my parents moved me to another school because they didn't like my teacher. It was sad to do so after just making a new best friend. I didn't want to. I was still shy and didn't really talk to anyone. People sometimes tried talking to me and the guy who sat next to me always tried to make my life miserable even though I never did anything to him. I hated it there and spent my time looking forward to hanging out with the best friend on the weekends. Things did improve a bit as the year progressed. I sorta became friends with these two Mexican chicks named Brenda and Lupita. I never heard from them after I switched back to Sacred Heart in third grade. It made things even more strange when I saw a couple of my classmates when I started Turlock High. I wonder if they remembered me since I remembered them. Only one did for sure. This one chick named Jasmin was in my Biology class freshman year and she was all "ohh remember me from Second Grade?" and stuff. Other than that, we never talked.

This is going to sound silly but my life changed when I discovered Pokemon.

I became serious about drawing. It all started with a how to draw pikachu tutorial in a magazine Maggie had. I spend hours perfecting drawing the damn thing. I looked online on fansites and gawked at the pokemon fanart. I was impressed at how well everyone drew and I always thought "I hope I can draw like that one day." Thus started my internet/art addiction that still goes strong today.

And I started like anime. After pokemon, there was digimon. And after digimon, there were the shows on Cartoon Network's Toonami like Tenchi, Zoids, Sailor Moon...

Such things weren't popular back at Sacred Heart. There was a short period of time where people played the card game at school and all, but I was always made fun of, being called a "pokemon freak." I cared so much about having friends back then so I hid the fact that I still liked Pokemon. The best friend was the only one who consistently knew the truth.

There were a few that picked on me for stupid things and I was always down about that. There was a guy who was friends with Mat, who always told me to get lost and stuff whenever I approached. I stopped trying to hang out with him.

And in the meantime, I'd be home with my elder sister Maggie, pretending to act out our own fantasies, our own made up world involving all sorts of things including Pokemon.

At one point, I read a story about wolves and I thought it was sooo cool. My cousin Laura and I pretended that there were special fossils at our cabin up at Pinecrest of that wolf pack described in the story and had our own adventures like that.

Fourth grade, I picked up saxophone. Maggie played it and I thought it was so cool.

Once upon a time I was real into the Tenchi series. Alanna and I pretended to have cabbit's like Ryo-ohki and stuff all the time. I got a plushie and everything.

One day, I came across this Tenchi Muyo fansite called Cabbit Patch. There was this system where you either pretended to be a cabbit or an adopter and you adopted each other to become pen pals. I was real excited to try it, and I met this one chick online named Jackie Vela. We talked back and forth through email for about a year or so and then I never heard from her again.

But then I noticed there was a forum. I had no idea what message boards were so it was then that I discovered what they were. It was then that I discovered role playing. I created characters and played out events with other people and their characters. I became addicted. I vaguely remember my mum being concerned that I spent so much time on the internet.

I tried getting some of my cousins, Maggie, and the best friend on the adoption center activities but they didn't last very long.

I spent my time joining one forum and then quitting, joining another, and so on. The trend of random role playing continued 'til near the end of my eighth grade year.

But I did get something out of it. I developed all these characters and started making a story called Silver Midnight. I was so into developing the story, it was usually all I ever thought about. I tried writing it and working on it all the time. By the time high school rolled around, however, I lost inspiration. Silver Midnight still remains unfinished.

No Turning Back

2009-04-11T14:01:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was walking from my Economics course to swimming. Out of NOWHERE this one girl who used to be my best friend from second to eighth grade and started talking to me. It was very odd. (On a side note, she kept looking at my outfit- especially at my shoes I wonder if she really hated it or liked it).

I can't even remember the conversation, except that at one point she talked about swimming and how we both made up crap about using the bathroom just so we could get a break. I don't know about her but talking to her felt like trying to walk forward with your legs tied to a wall. It was just awkward and even if I tried to reach her, I probably wouldn't even come close.

Then I wondered why she started talking to me out of the blue. Did she want to become friends again? Does she expect us to pick up from when we stopped hanging out around freshman year? Does she think we can pick up the threads to an old life?

"Live everyday like it's your last
Life only gets harder as time will pass."

After thinking about it and after what I've gone though, I know that there is no way you can go back- especially after I've changed so much. I don't really know her anymore since I'm sure she has been much altered as well. I've tried to reconnect with people that I haven't talked to much this year and it isn't the same. If I tried to mend things between everyone back to the way it was at the end of my junior year, it won't happen. I'm not sure how it all works but I do know that there is no turning back so you better enjoy things while it lasts.

After all, only a fool walks forward while looking behind him.

Say No to FOCA

2009-03-29T15:50:00.001-07:00

It doesn't sound to bad initially, since the "Freedom of Choice Act" would create a right to abortion that the government could not limit. But here are some things to think about.

-it would eliminate regulations that would protect women from unsafe abortion clinics. Isn't that an argument that pro-choice people have? That if abortion is banned, then people will turn to unsafe measures to have abortion? It'll risk the health of women in this way.

-Since abortion will be government programmed though this bill, taxpayers will have to fund abortion. I have the choice to not support abortion myself, therefore I should not have to be forced to pay for something that I do not support. I should not have to pay for other people's mistakes when I was the one not doing anything wrong.

-It forces doctors to accept abortions. It'll shut down Christian hospitals because it'll not allow abortion. It is UNCONSTITUTIONAL because it interferes with the freedom of religion, which is a right that I am very passionate about. People have the right to abortion and there are plenty of clinics that'll provide services for that. They shouldn't have to ban the choice of religious funded hospitals that would oppose abortion on religious, moral, or ethical grounds.

Overall, I am granted the right to believe what I want to believe and make choices based on that. It is wrong for government to push certain beliefs onto the people.

Disagree with me? You're entitled. If you make insults to me then that'll only prove that you're just anal about your opinions. I posted this to tell my view. I don't give a damn if it matters to you.

Not Another Life Story (part 1)

2009-03-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Part One - Early Years

From the moment I was born, I was at a disadvantage. I was born with the learning disability known as Autism. When my case was severe, I couldn't really remember much of anything how things were except I was always surrounded by grown ups trying to get me to do things in which I was supposed to call "tutors" while taking meds, shots, and having my blood taken. To be honest, my memories before turning 6 are pretty much a blur.

Infact, I didn't even know there was anything wrong with me. I thought I was like everyone else. The first time I noticed I was different was when I started kindergarten and I vaguely remember being confused when I got pulled out of class to be with tutors and doing plenty of work separate from the other kids. Second time I noticed something different was when I talked about my tutors to some other kids and they had no idea what I was talking about. I wasn't aware that having tutors to help me learn English and other basic skills kids knew right off the bat wasn't normal. Other than that, I didn't know much about myself. I can't remember when but my parents tried to explain it to me pretty early on. I didn't understand. I didn't completely understand what was wrong with me until I was 11.

After much hard work, I am what I am today, just another person that happens to be on a bunch of medication; then I'll have to get my blood taken once every other month to make sure I'm doing ok.

I was told not to tell anyone, mainly because my parents are afraid that people will not treat me like a regular person. But I'm not afraid to tell anyone; I occasionally bring it up in a conversation and people never believe that I was autistic.

I am told a lot of times that I'm a special case- to come out to be the way I have. I get praised by people in the industry for my so called achievements. But to me, it's like over complimenting an eighth grader for being able to go to highschool. I was only doing it to be a regular human being like everyone else- I don't want to be praised.

My first friend was this guy named Mat. We met in kindergarten at Sacred Heart school. I don't remember any details but I have vague and sparse memories of talking to him a lot and the like. I remember even then he was into video games and was trying to explain them to me while I was as confused as hell. He switched out of the school the next year as I recall.

I didn't learn how to swim 'til around 5 years or thereabouts. I almost drowned a few times. Once I was at a hotel pool at the Candycane Inn I think it was called and it was by Disneyland. The pool was set up that both sides were shallow and the very middle was deep. I got from side to side by clinging to the wall as I ventered into the deep end. My older sister teased me for being a coward for not swimming in the deep in. For spite I attempted to swim and failed. As I was drowning I brought my sister down with me and my parents had to rescue both of us. Another time I was at my great aunt's house in Modesto. I played alone in the shallow end because my older sister and older cousins all knew how to swim. I ventured in and almost drowned. The same thing happened again at another pool but purely on accident. After almost drowning three times, I was finally taught how to swim.

When I was still a toddler, my sister and I were often dropped off at our grandparents' house while our parents where out doing something else or whenever my mum needed to clean their house. We always watched TV, usually cartoon network back in the days when they played really old cartoons. Sometimes we played on the SNES they had. The games they had was Metroid 3, Mario allstars, and Donkey Kong Country. After all these years, they still have it and the three games. Donkey Kong was the only game that we actually managed to beat.

I was pretty much the baby of the family. As just a toddler, I always had to stay behind and wasn't allowed to do much and I sat back and watched how my older sister and cousins were able to do and talk about all sorts of things that I had yet to expirience. Even now, I'm pretty much the only one still in high school besides the two people younger than me. Everyone else is grown up and independent, living outside the central valley.

It's weird that my eldest cousin on my mum side was my age when I was only 10. Fourth grade seems so long ago for me as being in high school probably seems for her.

Selfish.

2009-03-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

I have the hardest time articulating this so it may not make much sense when you read this.

So before that whole weird ass complications with Ben, I was never interested in things like sex. I still walk away with it but I guess I'm a bit more open minded about these things lately but still.

And so I'm not sure how to explain this, I guess it could be best described as "I was raised to think that I had this one gift//It will be given to someone who deserves it." It was so easy to deal with random people that I knew of that didn't live by that rule before but I guess it's harder when it comes to people that you actually know and care about, because whenever that occurs to me, I get this ugly feeling inside of me.... if that makes sense at all.

I shouldn't care and shouldn't be so selfish because I have no right to meddle in others lives. People shouldn't have to agree with me.

And it's frustrating because I can't write how I feel in words that well. I sorta was able to explain it in this. Words are not enough though.

Just rambling again. lol.

Postsecret.

2009-03-08T23:04:00.001-07:00

If you don't know, there's this wonderful blog that updates every sunday here. People send in postcards with secrets anonymously and they are posted here. I'd like to share some interesting ones. I might do this more in the future as well.

It Hits Me Everyday.

2009-02-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

I guess Leslie and I won't be as close friends anymore. I cried as hard as I did last February when I had that reality check from Ben. As I said in the previous post, I have a missing limb. I'm going to get used to not having it there but it'll take some time because I'll miss it.

Strange that such a huge impact of my life happened last February too. I wonder if similar large events will occur in Februarys to come.

Missing Limb.

2009-02-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

"But my momma said there be days like this and ain't jack we can do
That's the way life is."

I wish I could just... I dunno. I was told that it was completely normal for people to come and go in our lives. It isn't always a nice thing though. I started high school with only one friend that didn't go to the same school as I did. I started from scratch pretty much. But then I got people that appreciated me for who I am and I did the same for them.

I have a feeling that I'll loose contact with everyone and that same one friend is going to move away to an out of state college. I'll probably end up starting from scratch at Merced JC; which causes me to think, will this be a regular trend? Will I end up having to start from scratch every time I end up entering a new institutionalized facility? I can't help to think that there would be no point because I'll just end up loosing friends anyway.

"I don't know when things changed
Maybe I'm the one to blame..."

I suffering from this missing limb analogy. It's not there so you'll miss it because it was once there. You can always replace it with some prosthetic part but it won't be the same. Same would go for certain friends, they'd be something special and when they're gone, you'd want them because you know what it was like to have them and you'll miss them. You could always get new friends but they won't be the same.

At first I've been seeing a change in her words, a change in her actions that I wouldn't accept. I keep saying I give up but I'm not liberated from her. Everyday when I see her, I always keep thinking in the back of my head that maybe things will turn back to normal and everything would be magically alright.

Even when I somewhat try to make things well again, I'm always stopped. There's a wall or something between us now that I can't break. Just the way she talks and just the way she holds herself, it seems she doesn't want me there anyways. So I think that because she doesn't want me there I should just go on with my life and leave her alone. But a part of me keeps dragging me to be with her again or something like that. I don't know really.

So now I guess I'll just appreciate what I still have now and I'll continue trying to move on with my life, even though I'll just remember that I had it all for almost three years.

"I don't know where I went wrong
Have we just tried for too long?"

Spreading the Wealth.

2009-02-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

I read this in my Economic course and I really found it interesting, mainly because it is one of the many reasons why I didn't support Obama.

"Yesterday on my way to lunch at Applebee's with my wife, I passed one of those homeless guys in the area with a sign that read, 'Vote Obama, I need the money!'

Once in Applebee's, my waiter had on a 'Obama 08' tee shirt.

When the bill came, I decided not to top the waiter and explained to him while he had given my wife and I exceptional service, that his tee shirt made me feel he obviously believe in Senator Obama's plan to redistribute the wealth, so I told him I was going to redistribute his tip to someone that I deemed more in need - the homeless guy outside. He stood there in disbelief and angrily stormed away.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $3 and told him to thank the waiter inside, as I had decided he could use the money more than him. The homeless guy looked at me in disbelief, but seemed grateful.

As I got in my car, I realized this rather unscientific redistribution of the wealth experiment hade left the homeless guy quite happy for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn.

Well... I guess this redistribution of wealth thing is going to take a while to catch on with those doing the work."

i give up.

2009-01-29T17:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know what has happened.

Everything we do seems to make her jealous. He's always scared and I keep lying to myself that things are going to get better when nothing really is.

I've always swooped in to cure drama that has been happening lately and when things are cool, I think that just maybe things will go back to normal as it was back before November. I don't know what has happened to make her change this way. I'm curious but whenever I ask, she either makes some rude remark or just disregards it as not a problem.

She always thinks that I don't give a fuck about her when I was the one that gave up so much on a regular basis to hang out with her. Well, fuck, some people I hang with now don't really like her but guess what, because I was such a good friend, I still talked to her and shit regardless of anything that was trying to tear us apart. She always thinks I'll ditch out on her plans when I have never let her down before. Why does she do this? Is she jealous of us? Did her expectations soar? I'll never know I guess.

I don't know why I can't convince myself to just leave. So much shit has been thrown at me and still I stay.

I missed being friends with the girls that made me forget how bad drama really was.

It isn't right for me to accept all this shit. It just isn't

I'm weak because I believe what she tells me. I'm weak because I still ran back to her no matter what.

I tried to help her last night because I noticed she's been more out of it than usual. She said rude things to me and logged off IM. I got so furious that I started bawling. She doesn't appreciate my concern and that's what made me decide that perhaps I should just give up.

I kept on thinking that just maybe

just maybe things will return to normal. But nothing changes in that favor.

I give up

Christmas

2008-12-26T19:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, with this supposed downhill economy there was still a crapload of people when I did my Christmas shopping.

I did what I did every year, I hung with older cousins on Christmas Eve and the other set of cousins on Christmas Day. My grandma from Seattle comes down and stays at our house also during this time.

Strange thing is that I never really ask for much for Christmas. I always seem to get a crapload of giftcards because I could never really decide on what I want.

Speaking of giftcards, I went to Borders today to spend some of mine and it was really crowded. My mum told me that she heard that they might go out of business but I guess they won't, which is good.

What did I get besides gift cards? Basically some snacks and clothes. But I don't mind.

I got some Roxy Shastas such as these:

Probably my fav right now. I might post more pictures, as if any of you care.

Toodles!

This is sad.

2008-11-22T16:07:00.000-08:00

And I'm sure that voters of other parties are the same way, not just Democrats. The reason why I knew enough about most of those questions is because of Government this year, though in the future I plan to watch multiple news sources so I don't end up like those people.

I don't like change anymore.

2008-11-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

And no, I'm not bitching and moaning about Obama for once. xD I realized that either way, I'd feel like a winner: either I'd be pleasantly be surprised or I could say "I told you so." Well anyway, this blog ain't about politics.

I just did a lot of thinking right now.

How well do you know your friends?
I think I only know maybe about two completely. I've come into terms that, while being friends with plenty of people, I only truely know two. And how many of them truly know me? I think one- not sure about the other- for she didn't know the old me (none of these including my current lovely). Not that I enjoy being around people who I love to be around. Just saying before I get into the nitty-gritty.

I'm not dying for attention for the most part. I'm actually quite a nervous wreck when I know all eyes are on me. That's why I do so terrible in presentations. It's the reason why I hate crying. Whenever I do, I become the center of attention.

People I've talked to online seem to think I'm a big fat bitch that doesn't think things through and that I'm just trying to get attention. Sure those things are so damn easy to type on the computer but can you say that in person to me? I didn't think so.

I'll let you in on a secret that I just discovered today- no one knows the real me, not even myself anymore. I wore a mask for so long that it has sunken into my skin. What was underneath had died sometime in the last two years and it was so gradual I haven't noticed until it was too late. Perhaps that's why when people try to bring me down, it rarely affects me. I'm already dead in the inside.

I'll tell you how it happened:

Let's start from the beginning. I made my first best friend in second grade. I can't remember how it happened but we did everything together. Everyone saw how much I loved her- but like everything else in life, it crashed and burned. We've both moved on by the time high school started for both of us. My other friend was in another school and I had to start from scratch. What was my solution? I constructed my own mask. With it on, I was the most outgoing and talkative person I could be. It worked for I made new friends and started dating someone for the first time. My best friend still knew me and that was one time I was myself around in this mess.

What happened was that I was too busy all the time last year, I never talked to anyone. I didn't have an outlet or chance to get one and I, once again like I've done in the past, bottled up my feelings. I never had to chance to let my heart out in my art besides those done in classes. I still don't. What happened was I lost who I was. I don't know that person anymore and I've become this new girl. I've tried again when I discovered this truth but I can't be who I was.

And that's why what's happening as it was now- the people who I once talked most to are those I hardly really have the chance to be alone with anymore. Only one person, one guy to be exact, truly knows the real me at this point. I want my relationships to return how it was in the past. For I miss showing my true colors without even trying to a friend. I want to have dreams of having a story published. I want to create.

Now I even realized more as I type out this long-winded babble of an analysis: I have been just going through the day and letting what I have loved slip away without myself noticing. I must try to stop what's happening before it's too late.

Post-Election Observations.

2008-11-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

+"Blacks and Mexicans turned out in huge numbers in California to vote for the liberal candidate Barack Obama. 70% of them voted for Prop 8. Thus, because Barack Obama was the candidate, Prop 8 passed.""

+"Prop 8 passed 52 to 48, and the liberal media says it ‘barely won’. Obama won 52 to 48, and the liberal media says it was ‘a landslide’."

+"Conservatives seem to lean more towards the “It’s MY responsibility” answer and act accordingly. Liberals seems to lean more towards “It’s NOT my responsibility” side of the argument. Thus, conservatives force greater freedom of action and ownership of their world, whereas liberals seem to want to limit what others do through group pressure, forcing the community to support them. It’s leading to what I’m beginning to call the “Victim mentality.” Make someone the victim if you wish to force others into supporting them. Conservatives seem too proud to resort to such measures and instead keep beating on the “leave me alone” drum and the “let me make my own choices” drum, while liberals keep demanding community support to push the idea of interdependance and even codependance."

+"I have to say I’m disappointed in hearing the reasons some folks voted for Obama. The one that said she wouldn’t have to worry about her mortgage any more (Did she think Obama would force all the rest of us to pay for it?),, the ones who voted for him just because of skin color (and the idiots who voted against him for the same reason), and basically anyone who voted for him because of some perceived personal gain (As in “Joe the plumber shouldn’t be against Obama because he’ll probably get his tax break). Voting should be about who will provide the best leadership for the country, about who’s policies will be the best for the nation and the people. It shouldn’t be about getting mine and to heck with the consequences. When my daughter asks about why she’s paying half her income to government, I’ll have to point to this election as one of the salient events. We’ll be working to pay for all those “rights” the Democrat majorities and President are about to discover."

+"It IS racist to do ANYTHING based SOLELY on race. Reparations is racist. It says “Hey black dude/chick, you’re incapable of competing on an equal footing with other people, because you are inherently inferior. Let me give you freebies and handouts.” Likewise, voting for/against Obama based on the color of his skin is racist."

+"Haven't you heard? Russia's been setting up some crazy shit in Poland right now and they just announced it. Don't you think it's a little weird that they announce it just after Obama's elected?"

.... Interesting

I read way to much for my own good. I pray for a good president in the future. All the presidents I've lived through (like all two of them) haven't been very good; America needs a good leader.

Post-Election Depression.

2008-11-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

I can deal with a new president that I don't agree with. I mean, if all those Bush haters survived the last eight years, so could I.

If you voted for him because he's black, you're racist.

And you people "we shall unite no matter who he is.." you probably bashed Bush. Hypocrisy much?

I can easily accept Obama, but only if his supporters let me.

It's hard to accept a guy whose supporters take offense to your opinions and makes it a battle to defend your first amendment rights.

It's hard to accept a guy whose supporters throw empty water bottles and the like at you if you disagree with them.

It's hard to accept a guy whose supporters diss Sarah Palin by saying she's stupid and when you ask "How so?", they can't give you a good answer.

It's hard to accept a guy whose supporters call you racist when you're obviously not.

The list can go on.

Not everyone was like like, for I did have some friends who were also Democrats and we agreed to disagree. I wish everyone was like that but nooooooo, everyone's so goddamn anal about their opinions. It makes me sick! I'm not a racist either! Hello? Haven't you heard? I'M DATING AN ASIAN BOY!!!!

I will work hard to accept this new president, but only if they let me.

Also, though I wasn't an "OMG MCCAIN" girl, I found this corny vid to make me feel better. I'm so pathetic sometimes. I don't really have any hardcore republican stuff lying around either but as I said, it made me feel better. Especially the line "Don't hurt yourself, you're still a great person... but for whatever reason the voting public didn't think it was meant to be."

How To Deal With Post-Election Depression

Which basically has a few points:

-write your feelings about everything down
-do something fun- NOTHING POLITICAL
-throw away any reminders
-it's not your fault
-apologize for extremist comments you may have made
-make yourself feel great at one point

Well anyways, on the propositions, I'm not too worried about anything though I'm a little beat with Prop 2 being accepted and Prop 4 being rejected. (I live in sunny California I'll have you know) But yeah, I'll get over it xD

Main Concern.

2008-11-03T21:31:00.001-08:00

In terms of both candidates, I'm not really crazy about either of them. But I have a feeling that Obama's going to win, so I'm preparing myself.

My MAIN concern with him is the people he's friends with. It scares the shit out of me:

My main point is that people need to stop denying stuff and vote responsibly or otherwise we might end up with another president that could make things worse.

Just remember that if Obama gets elected and things gets worse because people refuse to accept any facts that the liberal media tries to hide, just remember...

I FUCKING CALLED IT!

Now I must defend myself before I get massively threatened and possibly beat up like that one chick I mentioned in the previous bulletin:

I have the right to voice my opinions. If you don't like that, then deal because I'm not doing anything to stop you!

And who knows, maybe Obama would actually improve things. But for the time being, I must write the above down so if things get bad, I'll pull up with entry and say that I freakin' predicted it. ;]

Serpent Eyes.

2008-10-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

I have experimented once again. It's a little messy but I might use it for my halloween costume.... maybe xD

I'd think I would be better off with black lipstick, its too much of a hassale to use liner or shadow to mix with the gloss to get black lips. Oh well, what can I say... I'm lazy right now!

You know, off topic, I think its pointless to do shit like pulling political signs off your neighbor's lawn or causing a commotion because someone disagrees with you. I mean I'd still vote for that person, I wouldn't change my mind because someone stole my sign. I'm sure other people are like that too. If you don't like them, don't vote for them: simple as that!

Yuck Yuck Politics

2008-10-24T20:49:00.001-07:00

I'm all looking at my music account and going "why did I create this again? I'm not a singer anyways." Though I know why- I did it out of impulse. =D

I'm often banging my head against walls now because I'm tired of hearing about the election. Everywhere I go I hear it - people talk about propositions randomly at school, people art teacher dissing Sarah Palin, Leslie and I making "Baraq" jokes, other random teachers not agreeing with prop 8, having parents constantly listening to radios and Bill O'Reily, and it's all we ever talk about in my Gov class. It's also all over TV and the internet. I can't escape. I'm starting to prefer Miley Cyrus following me around like she did in the summer (long story about that).

It'll all be over in November.

I helped this girl that I barely know on her new myspace layout. It was quite fun actually and it turns out that she was one of Amber's friends.

Oh! Now I remember what I was going to post about!

So I heard on the news yesterday that this lady claimed to be robbed and the guy robbing her started to beat her when he found out she was a McCain/Palin supporter and carved a "B" on her face with a knife. There's no evidence that it's true but she did have bruises and stuff. I'd think you'd be pretty crazy to do stuff like that to yourself but hey, you never know. Even if it's true, it definitely not a reflection on the candidates.

I was all thinking last night, if that was true, why can't people just accept a difference in opinions? Here's an example: I mean a lot of my friends are liberal as opposed to me and we're still friends. You don't see me taking off signs off of people's lawns because these people disagree with me. That's because I KNOW that it'll get me nowhere to do such bitchy things. How are we supposed to unite foreign places and help the world if we can't even help ourselves? We obviously can't get over ourselves with all this bickering and violence.

Oops! I'm on a tangent again! Oh noes politics! *slams head against desk* See? See? I can't escapppppeeeee! xD

21 Answers

2008-09-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

21 things

Emily spent her entire life living in Turlock.

Emily is a Catholic.

Emily is the goalie for the THS Varsity Waterpolo team.

Emily should be doing homework right now, this happens a lot.

Emily's favorite band atm is the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Emily's eyes are dark brown.

Emily hates talking about politics but tends to do it anyways.

Emily is afraid of spiders.

Emily likes butterfly shapes more than heart shapes.

Emily likes the smell of chlorine but yet hates what it does to her skin and therefore thrives on lotion.

Emily knows how to take criticism. Most of the time.

Emily gets mad when drama involves her friends.

Emily is Italian.

Emily is tight with her Kevin boy.

Emily's fashion inspirations are Raquel Reed and Japanese street fashion.

Emily loves all genres- just hates certain artists.

Emily spends way too much time online.

Emily loves Colbert Report.

Emily is 5'4" and has a prominent swim suit tan.

Emily almost starts worshiping Miyavi and Aya but remembers that God is first.

Emily is an artist.

Stop and think.

2008-08-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

Look, just because someone has a conflicting opinion doesn't mean that it's a personal attack on you. Consider this a all too familiar situation: suppose someone like me would announce their opinion on some topic, lets say abortion, and pretend that I'm a prolifer and I announce reasons why abortion is bad. People will insult me, curse at me, and act as if my opinion will be forced upon them and they must resist. Very few people will just reasonably tell me that they have a different opinion and why. Not like I talk about abortion actively online but I have mentioned some things that seem to piss off a lot of people.

I want the world to know that when you read a different opinion, just think about it: the person is probably not insulting you and you should write your response in a more mature and reasonable manner. It'll avoid a lot of drama too.

Everyone should think things clearly- it'll lessen drama, conflicts, misunderstandings, and mistakes, myself included.

I am human and I don't always do this, but I always have this in mind. It's the reason why I don't get extremely pissed too often.

Today I read someone posting a blog about something he disagreed with and people started calling him names and saying that he was pretty much an asshole for voicing his opinion. I was all "damn, settle down." They acted like he just committed the ultimate blasphemy or something.

Anyway, argh school is starting for me. I still procrastinated on that form I have to finish up for AP Studio Art! So much to do, so little time... actually a lot to do in a lot of time, I just procrastinate. I really need to stop doing that.

Thus We Come in a Full Circle.

2008-08-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

Things happened today that made me remember things.

I tend to step in when drama happens because I attack it head on. I speak my mind right away. I don't do any of that secret shit and I get a lot of ugly thrown at me because of it.

It used to hurt and this happened from as early as elementary school 'til now. Taking shit is an art that I finally mastered near the end of my freshman year. It was finally mastered at the realization that you and yourself is the only one that matters in the long run. I mentioned this thought process in a previous blog entry but I will repeat this again. And I mean this in a way that you should do what makes you happy and that all that drama can easily be avoided by not getting too caught up in emotions. I think talking things through head on can end a lot of things. But unfortunately, us human beings, including yours truly, get caught up in emotions.

Its amazing how one thing can set off a chain reaction of shit. As Dane Cook described it, I little lint ball that sets off a clusterfuck. Like one time, some girl was too afraid to tell something to my friend and next thing I knew, all these people were mad at us (me and my friend). One time I mentioned having weird dreams and all of a sudden it lead to a full-fledged conversation about one of my friends opinion on gay sex. It's just jaw dropping really.

I can only hope people can survive through the little things.

Kanye West

2008-08-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

likes to rip off some songs. Look I can prove it.

Here's the song that I actually liked because I thought the beat was pretty pimpin:

And I found out that the beginning and the like was from the song used as an opening to the James Bond movie Diamonds are Forever. Here's the song:

And here's the Stronger song:

And the main beat was taken off of a Daft Punk song. The beat used in the Kanye West song is a little bit into this one:

I rest my case.

Journey to the West.

2008-08-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

The both the composer (his name David something xDD I have bad memory) and the animator (Jamie Hewlett) of the Gorillaz worked on some opera/performance based off of the Chinese folk tale Journey to the West. I don't know much details about it, but here's an animation from the project as an advertisement for the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

I just love Hewlett's art. It's one of the biggest art inspirations.

musical fusion.

2008-07-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.myspace.com/kohiamusic

I have a new music account obviously. I have my first song up. It isn't really anything exciting but its something. And Add me if you have a myspace. I'm tired of going on and seeing I'm only friends with Tom.

Why did I create a music account? Because I can. I'm not much of a singer, but I get bored from time to time and mess around on garageband >>....

I'm back from a vacation from pinecrest and nothing too new happened up there. Same ol' crazy Italian relatives and rich cousins. I was going to type something about it but I can't recall what. Oh well.

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

2008-07-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Think about it.

Jesus rose back from the dead. That would make him a zombie.

This thought occurred to me last night. And I thought I would share. I just ruined your religion didn't I? DIDN'T I? [laughter]

But I just made mine more awesome.

Ciao.

America's Birthday.

2008-07-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

Well now its technically the next day now that its past midnight, but "today" was independence day for America and it all happened because we were spoiled brats that didn't have to pay taxes at first and got upset when we did. But I don't think I would have it any other way.

I remember the holiday more exciting. My family would go watch the Modesto parade, but I never really liked it. Its a bunch of advertising of things that I don't care about and most of the time, it would be miserable to be outside. Today was actually not so bad this morning. But this year wasn't any different.

Well we dropped by A&W nearby like we did every year to meet up with grandparents and we had root beers and burgers. That was actually okay.

But I was really underwhelmed by everything. I remember being oh so excited to the holiday. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing my cousins, but I just wasn't feeling it. I could think of two reasons why. One, I have more friends now than ever and I guess back in the day my cousins were one of the few friends I had, and two, which is probably the biggest role here, is that I could've been with friends today. I can't help but to think they might be having fun without me.

But anyway, I should really stop complaining so I am. Happy independence day to you America. :]

I'm having a thought here.

2008-07-03T17:02:00.001-07:00

I need to spice up this page a bit, perhaps with a snazzy layout and a music player or something. Plain black is starting to bore me whenever I view my blogger blog. I still need to do the same for my livejournal but I haven't touched that lately.

I finally kicked my own lazy ass and started working on Biscaya again. I've got the first five chapters laid out now so now I'll just have to draw everything. When I get far enough, I'll start posting previews and the like on here. My dad's been making me work on fixing up his website because he doesn't know shit about HTML so that's what I've been doing lately. It's rather frustrating because they choose this really picky program for me to fix it on. I wish I can just recode everything but that would really frustrate them and it would take too long. Oh well, doesn't hurt to complain even though it gets me nowhere.

My friend Amber has her own blog now but its a livejournal account. You can view it here if you want. She's basically reviewing music or at least that's what she plans to do.

I thought I'd have more to post about but apparently I don't. Well bye for now.

urban flower

2008-07-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Just another update. I don't know if I mentioned this but I'm an artist. Though normally what I have been doing lately is doing character portraits of characters in a few of my stories but I've been working on a comic lately so hopefully I can show people online what I can do. However, I do like designing stuff, like logos, webpages, and even some clothes. I plan to be a Graphic Designer in the future but now I've been considering fashion too. I always have strange ideas in my head and I already apply it in my life. I'm the only girl I know of in Turlock that wears pink leopard print skirts with hoodies and vans on a regular basis and tries mixing urban with punk a whole lot. I wish I had certain outfits in my wardrobe but I never see them in stores so I'm planning on sharpening my sewing skills and show off. Perhaps I will put together something fun and show all of you after taking pictures.

I also have in mind being a makeup artist. I love putting on makeup on people. I'm not too serious about it but I've already done myself and my friends.

First successful experiment:

And another:

Generic Emo Tears lulz:

I look pissed xD:

I did one of my best friends, Leslie:

And I also did my boyfriend, Kevin:

Well anyway, I have done more before but that's all I have pictures of.

That's it for now! Toodles!

the truth.

2008-07-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

There isn't much of a difference between how I act online than I do in person. In fact, I tend to be more open online because it's easier for me to express my feelings in words than it is when I'm explaining something myself. I often forget that people online may be different than what I expect them to be as a result. Not everyone handles things like I do and I often forget.

I admit a lot of stuff. And I think I know myself pretty well and I slowly understand more and more by the day, the world is always changing and I'm aware. I say I'm a bitch a lot because that's what a lot of people say sometimes, but in actuality, I just know what I want to do a lot and I often don't give a damn about what others would think and would ignore them and those people would often say I'm a bitch as a result. I admit that I suck as handling relationships. I admit that I hate smokers and I admit that I have a strange fascination with palm trees, hip hop culture, and all kinds of music. The list can go on, but I know myself and I have no shame and no regrets. I see negative things in a new light as of a few weeks ago and that is that they are a way of learning: a way of knowing how to handle things differently the next time.

I knew from the beginning that I thought differently than most people. I space out a whole lot and all sorts of things come to mind and wonder the strangest things. I often watch people from my window sometimes when I'm bored enough and often imagine certain people in different colors, styles, etc and figure out ways for others to look more attractive. Or sometimes I would get a strange inspiration by the same actions and would think of the slowly developing story of Biscaya inside my mind. I'd rather read, find out things online, or just find meaning in music rather than to text, watch TV, and obsess over boys and celebrities like most girls do. I never figured any of this out until high school since before I'd always hang out with the richer and more "popular" girls at the urging of my best friend at the time and never felt a sense of belonging. These girls thought different than I did and would take about things that I didn't care about or didn't want to bother knowing about. But REAL friends interest you and engage you.

The following happens to everyone. At one point, some early some later, a person will find in oneself that he/she is the first priority and true happiness could only be achieved by knowing that. I don't mean that in a conceited way, but when this realization occurred to me, it was more along the lines of "I am going to act this way and do [blank] and if people don't like it then that's their problem." This occurred to me in a gradual fashion my freshman year of high school and I've been changing ever since. Its weird seeing myself in the past caring about how people think of me and crying when people disapproved or having a weird jealousy of people that had confidence. Even a few months ago, my life was controlled by the obsession of a certain guy who had long moved on and I have changed a lot from then. Change is constant, remember that. You can't avoid it.

Just stuff I feel like spewing out because I often forget that most people care about other opinions, most care about approval, most put on a mask, and most don't embrace change. I've embraced change and things are going really great for me: I have amazing close friends with only one major drama issue that happened in the last three years, I have a wonderful boyfriend, and most of all, I have worked on my appearance to the look I would appreciate and I plan for what I want for myself. I wouldn't want things any other way but hopefully the future will bring great things.

:D

You say Goodbye and I say Hello

2008-06-29T01:31:00.000-07:00

I have easily fallen into the pit of blogging. I have a livejournal for myself to keep track of everything I do online though you can only see a certain amount of posts because most are private and I have a myspace to talk to some close friends. Notice how I barely have over 100 and that's because I DO in fact KNOW most of my friends in real life. I'm not one of those people that add people for the hell of it. Anyway, the blogs there are used for random and lame poetry and the occasional rant.

But this is more of all around personal blog so its what blogging really is. I am going to rant, post my art, and all sort of things here. I look forward to talking uselss jabber to my online audience here.